http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html Carla Ulbrich: Blog Jannis' PHPRss class - http://www.jannis.to/ Fri, 26 Aug 2011 10:27:32 -0700 http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/these_are_their_stories_sundays_baltimore_gig_is_off
I've even driven through a blizzard in Minnesota to get to a gig. And then the gig got canceled and I was stranded in a hotel for 4 days. Nothing to pass the time except room service caesar salads, the hotel treadmill and so many episodes of Law and Order I was starting to end every sentence with "these are their stories."

Yes, I am a road warrior and will always get to the gig. But not this Sunday. Even if I wanted to drive through a Hurricane to play in Baltimore this Sunday, I'm pretty sure the Jersey Turnpike will be impassable. One big parking lot. It's already that way every Friday afternoon, even with nice weather.

So my friends in and around Baltimore, and all over the east coast, I know you were all planning to come to Baltimore to hear me play my silly songs about wedgies, waffle house, and Klingons, but you'll have to otherwise occupy yourself this Sunday evening. Might I suggest a Caesar Salad and a Law and Order marathon?]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/these_are_their_stories_sundays_baltimore_gig_is_off Fri, 26 Aug 2011 10:27:31 -0700 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/interview_with_the_singing_patient About my new book of humorous essays, How Can You NOT Laugh at a Time Like This?
(available at Amazon.com http://tinyurl.com/348hroc )

Int: What does the title How Can You NOT Laugh at a Time Like This mean to you?

CU: It means two things, really.
1) When times are tough, laughing can be so helpful.
When times are *really* tough, in light of the comic material at hand, you'd almost have to be completely clueless to miss all the humor. In my case, it was a life-threatening illness that caused my kidneys to fail, my hair to fall out, my legs and feet to swell up to the point that my only pair of shoes was a giant pair of poofy slippers. And I had to wear compression hose. And a cheap, itchy nylon wig. In the summer. In South Florida. At some point, it's just funny.

2) Sick people really need a good laugh.

Int.: Sick people most of all need a good laugh? Why is that? I would think that in light of what they're going through something as trivial as laughter is the last thing they'd be worrying about. Or at least low on the priority list.

CU: It's interesting you would use the word "trivial." Laughter is vital. It's life-affirming. Laughter lowers your blood pressure. Its health-inducing. To me, laughter casts out despair the way light casts out darkness.

Laughter and tears are both emotional releases, and when you are suffering, you need emotional release.

A lot of people have cited Norman Cousins as the father of this movement of therapeutic humor. In his book Anatomy of an Illness, he describes his extremely rare painful disease. There was nothing that could relieve the pain. He could not sleep. He figured out on his own that if he watched the Three Stooges, it made him laugh so hard he could finally fall asleep.

Int: In the book, you write about the importance of humor in healing; can humor also be hurtful?

CU: Yes, of course. Humor can be mean. I think we all remember being taunted in the schoolyard. Some of those comebacks and nicknames were pretty witty, but they were mean-spirited. And that's is why there is a movement for therapeutic humor. I'm a member of AATH (Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor). If all humor were therapeutic, they wouldn't need to specify that in the name.

There is an importance in distinguishing between negative humor (sarcasm, cynicism) as opposed to positive humor (such as slapstick).

Int:Did you write the funny medical songs on your CD Sick Humor while you were sick? Was that hard to do, or did it help you cope?

CU: Oh it definitely helped me cope. It seems strange but somehow writing songs about what I was going through distracted me from what I was going through. I guess it helped me create that distance I needed in order to be able to laugh about it. and it was a fantastic pasttime to have while I was sitting for 2-3 hours in doctors' waiting rooms. i would just bring my song idea notebooks and the time would fly on by. it was truly therapeutic in more ways than one.

Int: Is your book an illness memoir? Why essays?

CU: I don't think of it as an illness memoir so much as a collection of ideas about what I've learned over the course of 19 years that I think might help other patients to live a better life. There are not a lot of graphic descriptions of symptoms. There are a number of books out there that do that really well. But I'm a humorist, not a novelist, and I wanted to keep it light, and helpful, and focused on finding ways to get better and find humor.

As to the short chapters, I wanted it to be in bite-size chapters that stand alone, so that you could read it on the toilet- because heaven knows when you're sick, that's your second home.

Int: In 2002 you had a pair of strokes that left you unable to use your left hand for months. Were you scared you wouldn't recover?

CU: I would not allow that thought to take hold in my mind. I just refused to believe it. I pictured the desired outcome in my mind, and worked every day towards it. I did all kinds of crazy things to get my left hand to work again, so I could play guitar. I squeezed a tennis ball, I got a cheap ukulele and glued corn pads to my fingertips, I put those rubber tips that cashiers use on the ends of my fingers, and I talked to my hand ("talk to the hand!"). And I got a lot of acupuncture.

Most of all, I believed. I believed I would play even better than I did before the strokes. And i fully regained the use of my hand. Now the only thing holding me back is if I don't practice.

Int: Your book and songs are funny. Who do you think is funny?

CU:Well, the book has a few serious moments. It's not all "haha isn't being sick hilarious?!" But I'm glad you find it humorous, and I do try to help people find the funny in the midst of the insanity.
Who do I think is funny? Well I don't know if it matters what I find funny, because humor is a matter of taste and people should find out what makes them laugh and just get regular doses of that. Hopefully it's therapeutic, and not too negative, of course.

But since you asked, Ernie and Bert for starters. I believe they were my first comedic influences. My cousin Glenn, another early influence. "That 70s Show," "Frazier" and "The Big Bang Theory." Individuals I find hilarious are Jackie Chan, Lucille Ball, Lenny and Squiggy, Don Knotts, Rodney Dangerfield, Henny Youngman, Mitch Hedberg, Greg Giraldo, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Calvin and Hobbes makes me laugh out loud. My husband and dog are also very funny. Lucky me!

We're so lucky to have so much comedy so easily available to us now, with internet and comedy central and all the comedy stations on satellite radio. When I was a kid, you'd have a few comedy records and listen to them over and over. I'm so old! and then we invented fire...

Int: What books inspire or influence you? What music?

CU: One of the most inspiring books I read was "Love Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie Seigel. it was the book that introduced me to the idea of the body-mind connection. Meaning, what happens in your mind affects your body (and vice versa). That was a new concept to me when I read about it in 1994.

Now they call the field psychoneuroimmunology, but the idea is the same. Of course I already mentioned Anatomy of An Illness. The Artist's Way (Julia Cameron) is a fantastic book on unleashing your creativity. Eat To Live (Joel Fuhrman, MD) is a real eye-opener about food- truly revolutionary. And Never Be Sick Again (Raymond Francis) was a stunning revelation to me about the causes of illness.

Int: What inspired you to write your book?

CU: I was blogging about health and healing and humor for a couple years, and i thought it would be nice to have it all in one place, with no typos.

I felt like I had some things to say. I'll try anything. i didn't want to be sick for the rest of my life. I wanted to get back to the version of me that I remember from high school- the me who played in the marching band carrying a tuba when i was only 5 feet tall (I'm much taller now; I'm 5'2"). that's how i see myself- strong, smart, fun, funny, undefeatable. and i've been willing to try anything to get there. I've tried lot of things, and I've gotten much much better than most of my fellow patients who also suffer from autoimmune diseases. I wanted to share the things I've tried and learned so that they can also get back to their best versions of themselves.

Int: What are some of the strangest or wackiest or funniest things that happened to you while you were fighting illness and which you write about in your book?

CU: At one point I had lost my hair and was wearing a wig. I was at a folk festival with friends, and we were hanging around backstage cutting up, and I was laughing so hard I lost my balance and fell over. And my wig fell off! My friends all showed concern and helped me get back up. Then we had a good laugh about how I literally had laughed my head off.

Int: You've performed your humorous medical songs as "The Singing Patient" for organizations such as the Lupus Foundation, Medicaid, the Alaska Palliative Care Conference, and Nursing in Practice. How do you make illness and pain funny?

CU: I told the truth and I made it rhyme. My number one rule is to only joke and sing about things I've actually been through. The second rule to to aim the comedy at myself as much as possible. Since comedy is pain, and someone has to be the person in the joke experiencing the pain, it is best if it is me. That way, hopefully, the humor is therapeutic.

Int: You included lyrics from several of your funny songs in the book. Where do you get your song ideas?

CU: Real life. Everyone's best source of comedy is right there in the mirror. If you can laugh at yourself, you'll have an endless source of amusement.

Int: Are you well now? How do you stay healthy? Do you think you'll get seriously ill again?

CU: Well I certainly hope not! I'm doing well now. I'd like to say I'm grateful for that but i also feel like I earned it.
I am on a gluten-free, vegetarian diet- lots of leafy greens. I do chi gung. I work out 6 days a week. I have a great husband and a sweet dog, and we usually have a good belly laugh every day.
will i ever get sick again? who knows. but if i do, I know what to do.

Int: What have you learned from your experiences?
CU: my biggest lesson is to take my health more seriously and myself a lot less seriously.

Int: What do you hope readers will get from your book?
CU: i hope they learn the same thing.

Int: to take you less seriously?
CU:.. Um, yeah. I hope they find some hope. I'm only one person who's tried a lot of things. I'm not a scientific trial with a control group. But even though I don't have all the answers, I do believe I'm asking the right questions. And I hope they gain the inspiration to find their own answers. Everyone needs to find their own way, but if they don't even know where to look, or that there might even be some hope out there, or even that they can get better, they won't even try. That's the main thing- I want people to know that's a possibility, that they could get back to that best version of themselves..
Hope, and the ability to find humor in tough times. A few good laughs. And some ideas about dealing gracefully with chronic illness. Most of all I hope they feel less alone and more empowered.

Int: What's next for you?
CU: I've been doing more and more performances for medical events as The Singing Patient, focusing on the funny medical songs I wrote when I was recording from the stroke. Those shows are really rewarding. I feel like I can make a difference in that setting. I like to help people laugh at things they never thought they could find funny.

Int: Where can people find your book?
CU: It's available at BarnesandNoble.com, TellMePress.com, Borders.com, on Kindle (Amazon.com), Amazon.com, and Indiebound.com, and I usually have copies at live shows.
Here's the Amazon link: http://tinyurl.com/348hroc
Thanks for asking.

Int: Thank you for spending time with us, and best wishes.
CU: thanks very much.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/interview_with_the_singing_patient Wed, 23 Mar 2011 23:32:56 -0700 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/my_christmas_rant
My #1 annoyance with retailers: they start putting out the Christmas stuff before Halloween.
#2 they pick random stuff in a price range (like below $5) and call it a stocking stuffer. I'm sorry, I'm not giving someone trial size deodorant in their stocking. Most likely that will not be perceived as a gift, but as a hint...
#3 opening their stores at 3am the day after thanksgiving. How safe is a strip mall parking lot at 3am? I'm not getting mugged in an effort to save 20 bucks on a digital camera. which brings us to...
#4 stores being open on actual christmas day, all sundays, and thanksgiving day. is nothing sacred? Ina few years, no one will even know what the word sabbath means.
#5 and this is the shoppers- camping out for a week before black friday? What is wrong with you? Seriously, you're skipping thanksgiving so you can get stampeded?
#6 and this has nothing to do with christmas. I wear size 7 1/2 women's shoe. there are never any 7 1/2, but plenty of size 11, 13, and 5. Who is ordering the inventory? How many times do you need to run out of 7 1/2 before you realize your customers' feet are mostly average?Hello?
#7 made in China. Enough said.

Needless to say, I did all my Christmas shopping is an hour and a half. Online.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/my_christmas_rant Mon, 20 Dec 2010 20:22:01 -0800 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/nerfa_2010
Incidentally, I only saw actual borscht once at these things, about 6 years ago at Kutscher's (le hotel du mold). This newer place, Hudson Valley Resort, has much better food, no mold that I can tell, and a far shorter walk to the dining room. Oh yeah and the 4th floor is the actual button #4 on the elevator, not 3. And the room numbers go in logical order. No tears shed over the move from Kutscher's/ Bates motel.

I met up with loads of old friends- David Buskin, Amy Carol Webb and Brook Belle, Tom Hitt, Monty Delaney, Randall Williams
Ron Goad (who knew he was so funny?), Sherry Panzer, Scoot and Paul Moore, Reggie Harris, Claudie Nygaard, Brian Ashley Jones (fellow upstate SC native homeboy), Spook Handy, Terry Kitchen, Arlon Bennett, Jenny Avila, Bob Grammann, George Wurzbach, Rob Carlson, WFDU's Ron Olesko, Sirius XM's Mary Sue Twohy, WJFF's Angela Page... I just know I'm forgetting some folks.

and made some new friends including the really interesting Miss Amy who does fitness music for kids- how freaking cool is that? and Tret Fure, who not only is a fine writer/ performer but also works for hire cooking 6-course Italian meals as well as painting portraits. And Ken Whitely of Toronto, who I must have run into 20 times, so I've decided the universe *really* wants us to be friends.

Saturday night, Gene Shay hosts a big party with NO SHOWCASING, and NO BIZ ALLOWED, and also NO ORIGINAL SONGS- cover tunes only. It is awesome! Everyone sings old Beatles tunes and 70s songs at the top of their lungs. And no one is off key. It's fantastic to be surrounded by so much good sound. I love sound. Noise, no. Sound, yes.

I took a really unusual approach to NERFA this year, which I don't know whether I can recommend to just anyone, but it worked for me, at least at this point in time. I did almost no planning and exerted very little effort. I printed about 20 little showcase cards, only took 2 showcases and turned down 3 other offers. I didn't even apply for the official showcases, just the late night ones. I didn't do an exhibit table, and I didn't go to any workshops or try to get any mentoring sessions. I just showed up, did 2 showcases, and hung around in the lobby and at the bar goofing off, telling poop jokes and making faces at people- sometimes just having normal conversations- whatever seemed right at the moment. And I swear I got more done. Or maybe I didn't. But all I know is I came home feeling filled back up, and I really needed that after spending 2 years pounding out a book and not touring very much. I am full of song ideas and also have 3 new people I want to write with.

One of the followup topics on the listserv was whether music could change the world. My reponse:
Music heals. Music makes you think. Music helps you feel, Music makes you human. Music reaches parts of our hearts and minds that nothing else can reach.
Music matters. It is a force. See the movie "The US vs. John Lennon"- just one example.

I think almost every one of us can name at least one incident where someone has approached us or written to us and thanked us for giving a voice to a difficult topic they were never able to talk about, or for helping them laugh or cry about something really painful. I write in a way that heals me, and when I get it right, it in turn heals others.

That's going to sound ridiculous because I write funny songs, but that is how I express myself, and as long as you're honest and dealing with what you need to deal with, and it is coming from your heart, then it doesn't matter if you're singing novelty songs, doing sea chanties or playing the nose flute, if your intention is good and pure, it puts good pure healing energy into the world.

If I didn't think what I did mattered, I would just go do something that made a lot of money and required no camping...

I found out today that whoever brought this up overheard someone saying that music does NOT change the world, but it was out of context. Really the statement was music ALONE does not change the world; you need to take action, not just sing. OK, valid point.

So, thanks NERFA, for the thought-provoking discussions, and for making it a great weekend and giving me a chance to see so many people who I care about and enjoy so much. And thanks friends for showing up and hanging out.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/nerfa_2010 Tue, 16 Nov 2010 00:14:06 -0800 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/how_i_spent_my_summer
Early in the summer I decided to finally get some help with the chronic pain in my shoulder which I had attributed to my existing health issues. Turns out there's a tumor on, of all places, my funny bone (the humerus). Well, then it turns out that's not what was causing the pain- I also had tendonitis and an impingement. So, I got some physical therapy and, well that was the best possible way to spend about 8 or 10 of my summer afternoons. After 18 years of almost non-stop pain, I'm feeling *much* better! I wonder if I'll still be funny if I'm not in chronic pain? Well, I guess we'll find out.

I also spent a large part of my summer doing the final edits (and the final final edits) of my upcoming book, a collection of essays about my adventures in health care. Hopefully that will come out in Feb. or March 2011. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch your head. ("It's better than Cats!")

Meanwhile, I got a gig at the Seagull's Nest on Sandy Hook (NJ), a great place to watch the sunset. I sang a lot of cover tunes and a few of my own songs in temperatures ranging from 60 degrees to 105 (sometimes on the same day) and winds that required duct tape to hold down the mic stand. The people there are great, and it was fun doing a bar/ restaurant gig, something I haven't done in years. I had an Italian Ice on the way home from the gig every time, something you don't find along the roadside much in SC. I used to do lots of bar gigs back in South Carolina. Probably because if you live in SC and you refuse to play bars, you won't be working at all. The upside of living in SC back then was that you weren't allowed to drink on Sundays, so the bars started the music at 10pm and closed at midnight on Saturdays- made for an easy night.

A trip to the homeland (South Carolina) to see my parents, gigs with Dan Hart, John Forster, Throwing Toasters and (at Philly Folk Festival) Deirdre Flint, Adam Brodsky, Butch Ross, and Barry Rabin, and, well there you have it. I guess that explains why the summer went so fast. I wish I'd had a little more time to hang out in the pool during those 105 degree days, but at least I'm pain-free now and have a completed manuscript to show for my missed afternoons at the pool.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled guitar lessons, songwriting and (indoor) gigs.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/how_i_spent_my_summer Sun, 05 Sep 2010 17:36:19 -0700 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/writing_about_writing
I write usually when I get up, while my mind is fresh, or late at night, when the whole neighborhood is quiet. I’m usually teaching guitar lessons in the afternoon. My next-door neighbors have lots of keg parties, so I don’t even bother trying to write on weekend nights.

I don’t deal well with noise distractions. There’s nothing I can do about that stupid leafblower that shows up every Tuesday for five hours. My husband is far more cooperative. Sometimes when he’s listening to music, I gently offer him a pair of headphones. Or if he’s playing the guitar, I suggest maybe my office upstairs might be more comfortable for him. He always obliges.

every couple hours i have to get off the chair before my butt molds into the shape of the chair. i find doing something really mundane, like sweeping the sidewalk, helps me clear my head and even sort out something i might have been stuck on. Julia Cameron (the artist’s way) refers to these kinds of repetitive “mindless” tasks (mowing the lawn, taking a walk, sweeping, taking a shower, washing dishes) as “artist brain” activities- they occupy your left brain, the side where the critic lives, enough to allow the right brain to work uninhibited.

i don’t like to work in clutter, so sometimes part of my procrastination ritual is cleaning. Just the clutter. I leave the sweeping for later, to placate my right brain.

Why aren’t I using my office to write? Too messy. Plus, if I go downstairs to get a snack, I might not remember to come back up. I pushed a couple card tables together in the kitchen and put a big piece of plywood and a tablecloth over them and took it over. There’s room for the laptop, the manuscript, my scraps of paper, my pens, liquid paper, and a big glass of green tea. And a couple squares of chocolate. All my projects are chocolate-fueled.

My absolute favorite place to write is on an airplane. You’re trapped and there is nothing else to do. That’s a pretty expensive office, so I only write on the plane when I’m already going on a trip.

As far as time goes, I try to take a somewhat disciplined approach to writing. if I only wrote when the muse struck, I wouldn’t get much done. And I find when doing a large project, like a book (as opposed to writing a song or a blog entry), I need to work in one large block of time so I don’t repeat myself. I use my iCal program, and every month I block out writing time for almost every day. Some days it’s just an hour, other days 3-4 hours.

As far as planning what I’m going to say, I have a very undisciplined approach. I try to write from a place of deep honesty, as much honesty as I can muster. I don’t want to sound contrived or academic, or preachy. I still have my papers from high school to remind me I’m capable of that. So, for that reason, I don’t plan out the book in advance. I like to let it reveal itself to me as I write. I basically splat my feelings all over the page, then try to mold them into something slightly less maniacal later. Sometimes you don’t know what you have to say until you start saying it, so I like to allow myself the chance at the beginning to say anything and everything I need to say.

Of course, not only are the reviews of my book not out, the books itself is not out yet, so take my pontifcations on writing with a grain of salt. Writing a book is a much longer effort than writing a song ("Stairway to Heaven" and "Freebird" excepted).

And now that I'm done writing about writing I'll go back to singing about singing.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/writing_about_writing Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:38:09 -0800 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/whats_my_problem_with_steves_anyway
I figured he can't be the only Steve out there wondering what my problem was, so I'm sharing my response with all of you:

At one point in my life I was dating not one, but 3 guys named Steve. All at once. It's the only time in my life I've dated
more than one person at a time, and it was all above board- we were all pretty casual, just doing goofy things together like haunted houses, bike rides, comedy clubs. Finally, at one point I had to choose a Steve.

So actually i was being facetious- not only would I date someone named Steve, i would date 3 guys named Steve. At once. But the joke was so inside that no one but me knows what I really meant when I wrote it. In fact, when I sing it in concert, I usually replace the name "Steve" with someone else in the room who everyone else knows, like the soundman, the presenter, or the other person on the stage if there is one. then i have to make up another rhyme on the spot.

And that's the truth! I'm actually quite fond of Steves.

Hear the song:
http://www.carlaulbrich.com/music-1.html]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/whats_my_problem_with_steves_anyway Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:36:11 -0800 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/small_town_police_blotter
Stolen potted plants. Cats in trees. Drunken disorderly, with names and everything.

I was reminded of this when we stopped for a bite in Pismo Beach, CA and I was reading the local paper. A couple highlights from the 9/17 edition of the Coastal news:

A woman on the 400 block of Longview reported that her quarter full bottle of absinthe had been missing for a week. Interrogate her liver; I suspect it knows where the missing spirits are.

A former tenant of a residence on the 300 block of Windward Ave reportedly made a copy of the garage door remote and would drive by and open the door.

Someone on the 1300 block of Costa Brava reported they had a headache.

Great stuff.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/small_town_police_blotter Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:34:17 -0700 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/extreme_time_management So I came up with some time-saving techniques:

-check e mail only once a day (this may feel like crack withdrawal, but you'll get over it).

-keep a master to do list and use a highlighter to select the stuff that just can't wait (note: do not use a highlighter pen on a computer screen).

-have different tote bags for different places: guitar teaching, gym, comedy class. then you can just grab and go.

-every night before going to bed, prep for the next day with packing lists (if you're going somewhere), set lists, directions printed out, and a short to-do list of the 2-4 things that MUST get done that day. it's important to keep that list short. then anything else that gets done is a bonus.

-i have a system of post-it notes by my bathroom mirror. i have one for wed. that says "teach at 330 leave by 240" thurs says "teach at 2 leave by 115" one that just says "GIG" one that says "comedy class 6pm" one that says "teach guitar class at 7". Sometimes there are 2 or 3 post-its for one day. Naturally, if it gets too humid in the bathroom (a distinct possibility), my whole system falls apart.

-i have a box of index cards on my desk where i jot down ideas for essays, blogs, songs. i put them in the front, pull the blanks for the back. Works kind of like a fishnet, capturing them all. Of course I really should go back through them sometime before they started smelling like old carp.

-re: getting the cd done fast, i spent a lot of time in prep before going in to the studio. i transcribed the entire thing, every "um" and every single word i said, with the time next to it. (as in "35:02 into the recording, somebody coughed"). If I was ever in danger of overcoming any remaining self-consciousness, this process should fix that.

-and lastly i think multitasking sucks, and i'm getting more into single-tasking when i can. isn't it messed up that i had to invent a word for doing one thing at a time?

then i went into extreme time management mode, which i really don't recommend:
-combine errands into one trip
-postpone errands trip
-stop socializing
-forget how to relax
-cut back on sleep
-stop going to the gym
- take really fast showers
-wash hair once a week, max
-on second thought, shave head
-eat nothing but meal replacement bars
-ignore all phone calls
-talk to spouse once a week
-make to-do lists
-ignore to-do lists

And whatever you do, don't invite anyone to the house, because you'll just have to clean before they get there and again after they leave.

you, too, can lose your sense of humor (and friends) in this easy to follow 14-step program.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/extreme_time_management Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:44:46 -0700 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/hey_you_kids_get_outta_my_pool
I don't care if they enforce the no diving rule, but the "babies must wear a diaper" rule i think is kind of important. The "no alcoholic beverages" and "no drunk people" i think are almost as important.

The other day I was swimming my laps, and 5 drunk people came in. They decided to race, and of course couldn't swim in a straight line, so i stood in the shallow end. then one of the landlubber drinks offered $50 to whoever won the next race. $50? I'm in! Can't beat 'em, can't expect the lifeguard to throw them out, may as well join them. I lost to one guy by about 3 feet, and the other guy quit swimming because his pants feel down. I guess he wasn't so wasted he didn't notice his pants falling off.

On second thought, if they enforce the "no drunks" rule, things would be less interesting. But I'm still pro-diaper. Maybe even for the drunks.]]> http://carlaulbrich.com/blog.html/hey_you_kids_get_outta_my_pool Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:33:07 -0700 Professional Smart Aleck - Carla Ulbrich - Blog